:O :I ¦<

Monday, 1 July 2013

To be alone can be lonely; but to be lonely you don't necessarily have to be alone.

It's been rather quiet here these last 7 or 8 months, hasn't it?

I'm afraid, dear non-existent reader, that my inspiration for posting in this tiny part of a new month's morning is not because I have any special update. Or rather, any update at all.
I hope you like the melancholic blue I've chosen because it's setting the tone for the rest of what I have to type.

Once again, you find me at a point in time where I'm in one of those funny kinds of moods.
It's a strange sensation.
It feels cloudy in my chest cavity and avoidant in my head. Whether or not that's a real word.
I'm always amused by the people that tell me I'm strong. They tend to mean mentally, or emotionally. But it's merely a talent to neglect what you truly feel. The one flaw with this talent is that it can make you unstable at times.
Imagine a glass window (as opposed to a wooden one?). People pass by this window, but have no desire to look in. Certain people pass often, have no desire to look in but instead throw bricks at this window. Naturally, the window will smash into thousands of tiny pieces. A few more people pass. They help pick up the pieces and the window is restored. It's not perfect but they're more than willing to accept it. They can see the sensitive parts of the window, they know not to touch them.
But they can't see them all. They may trace their finger over an area they've traced many time before. But this time it cracks, it may even make them bleed. Something that was certain has now become unstable.

This is me now.

It's an obscure analogy, I know. But it serves its illustrative purpose.
I have the ability to always be fine. Most never know when I'm not fine. It's not my desire for them to know.
But sometimes it's too much.
When I'm unbalanced, it can take the tiniest thing and I'll find myself lying on my back staring hopelessly up at the clouds.
When I'm in these fragile states, no one knows until after the damage. It's not lasting damage. It's not even important. But it has immense impact at the time it occurs.

Are you still with me? I imagine at this point, you may be lost for understanding. Good, so am I. I'll continue.

It's at these times that those closest to me I desire to be around the least. I don't wish to talk to nor see them. Neither think of them, and certainly never humour them if I happen to engage in conversation.
Those are usually the people who tip the unbalance against my favour.
And it's because it's over something trivial that I've tipped. You allow yourself to be most vulnerable around those who accept the things about you that the majority wouldn't. So when their comments match those of the majority you take a hit. Suddenly they no longer appear to have that same understanding as they always promised they did. It's a melodramatic train of thoughts but it's a paranoid mind that creates them. 
And if you believe me to be making a mountain out of a mole hill, I'd be grateful you kept that sarcastic, tactless comment to yourself. Because it would clearly not be appreciated.
It's a lonely feeling. So very distant and lonely.
Thus, at such times, I retreat into my own company.

I'd sooner be alone by myself than alone amongst friends.

I hold no grudges in these circumstances. But likely create many arguments. Or general disagreements.
It's the only thing about me that no one in the world understands.

If, absent reader, this post has made you feel sad in any way, be safe in the knowledge that it's made me feel better having typed it. Especially as I expect no one of consequence to read it. At least not for many months yet.
I'll endeavour to write something uplifting next time I bother to log in.

I bid you a good day.


Saturday, 17 November 2012

Happy Birthday to Me!

The irony of the exclamation mark in the title when I'm presently feeling less than exclamatory..

Today is my birthday (at least for the next 16 minutes) and I'm going to cheat by publishing it now so that it's posted ON my birthday while I continue to ramble. Just in case I don't manage to type everything I want to say in this small amount of time.
It doesn't matter, no one reads this anyway.

So, I've turned 20 today. How exciting. I've reached to a second decade of my life. It's an odd thought really, being 20, supposedly having to endure more responsibilities as an actual adult now. Not to mention being stripped of my "-teen" suffix that has defined me for 7 years.

To be quite honest, I'm not feeling much other than somewhat morose. I've done nothing all day by ways of real celebration, simply because all of my friends are too far away to really celebrate with me. So I've been on my own pretty much all day. I suppose this should've bothered me earlier, but I've been on Skype with Kerri all afternoon and evening so I guess she kept my mind off of it. I tried to keep my childish happiness going by lighting 20 candles on a tiny cake and dancing about like a fool... But as I am at this moment, all I really feel is exactly that - a fool.

I'm going to be soppy for a moment and whinge that this new age also marks the amount of time in my life spent without a significant other, or even so much as mutual romantic attraction to another. It's not like I don't feel attraction to anyone... It seems to me more like I aim too high. However, this isn't something I pine over on a daily basis, neither am I entirely desperate, but when the apple of your eye takes a liking to someone else, it's rather difficult to come to terms with. And I look and that and think, "we'll I'm just an idiot", but I'm really quite fed up of the unrequited love shindig.. And how fitting that I'm writing in this weird washed out candy red. Or pink. I don't even care right now.

So I'm a little upset over the fact that a certain few people haven't (or I suppose, 'didn't' by this point) wish me a happy birthday. I'm a little upset over spending my day by myself. And I'm a little bit more upset that the person I would've liked to be talking to all day happened to be busy elsewhere. Fair enough, I'm not Queen of Sheba, but I've spiraled into a bad mood, and my bad moods are all-encompassing therefore I'm upset over stupid small things and have decided, whether you do or not, don't actually care.

So, happy birthday to my depressing little soul and may I learn to not be so damn emotional over the trivial things that piss me off.

Signing off, for the only time as,


Extra bit: I often like to use this space to vent what I'm thinking. How I'm feeling. Just a way for me to void the complex emotions I'm mixed up in. Most of what I say might be vague, despite knowing not a lot of people read this blog, I still don't want to bare the entirety of my soul. There are those who are close and may understand too much.
Oddly enough, this rant hasn't completely helped...

I have a special book for that.

Friday, 26 October 2012

Do the clothes ever end??

So, I'm back 8D

And I've never written a post in this colour before. Probably because it's the same colour as my title font but ssshh..

So I'm back from my Brighton trip. I was actually back on Sunday (it's now Thursday (now Friday since I started this post hours ago (too many brackets))), and I couldn't update on the coach due to no wifi access and my impromptu nausea. Then it transpired that I couldn't access the wifi on the Uni Campus. Sucked to be me. Except having Ryan for four days. If it weren't for that, I might have made a start on the presentation and essays I need to do (no one believes this. Neither do I). Not the bit about having Ryan, the no wifi. But to be honest, both of these pose as a problem/distraction for me to do anything logical.

Brighton was lovely - cold and rainy but lovely. I rather missed my straighteners. And with all this fog in London, my hair's allergic reactions to moisture is just escalating day after day.
My darling lovely Ryan took me 'round The Laines and all the little shops she thought I might like, and it was as though we never stepped foot outside of London except the salty sea air that was slowly but surely creating an afro for me.. And the lack of urgency for getting home on time. What a glorious feeling.

We went to a club the night I arrived.. I'd just like to say here and now, dearest reader, that I hate clubs. I'm far too anti-social for something like that and I have NEVER felt so uncomfortable in my life. I can't really explain to you why. It's not like it was a situation I've never been in before. But I.. don't know. It was like crowd anxiety but no panic attack followed. I just urgently needed a wall or something that I could flower on. And I hate being egged on to do something. People telling me to do something after I've said no angers me ridiculous amounts. Especially if I were already trying to do it.
Remind me never to leave the house. Ever.
(I'm being mellow dramatic, I just don't want to ever be so social again.)

Despite that, I still enjoyed my stay there. Didn't enjoy the kitchen or bathroom but beggars can't be choosers.

Today, I'm attempting to find my floor after my wardrobe vomited its contents at me while I was doing a clean out. Appreciate it.
Right now, I'm neglecting the rest of this duty while I have a ramble and then watch the rest of Perception ep. 5.
Tomorrow (technically later today), I go to Central London to buy Ryan's contacts for her Edward Elric cosplay, then I shall play The Sims 3 while I wait for the MCM Expo adventure on Sunday to begin.

I have an extensive make-up routine planned out for Sunday morning so please God allow me to wake up on time -.-

I may post a picture when I return.

Signing off~


Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Two posts in one week??

It must be Christmas :D


Nevertheless, I felt a necessity to update about the fact that I'm travelling south tomorrow morning to visit the love of my life ¦D
I'm going to see Ryan at her Brighton Uni and I shall be there for four days and three nights.
God only knows how I managed to convince Gothel to allow me to "sleep over", a concept she detests without reason or logic. But I've broken the spell (or hypnotised her... we're not sure) to let me out of my tower. So off I go on my merry misadventuring.

Also, my costume for this month's expo has arrived marvelously on time and fits (almost) like a glove. Except the gloves that came with it don't fit but I've got gloves. Actually, if I'm honest, I didn't even realise Lenalee wore gloves at any given point. Woops.

I think my last point to make today is the fact that my nose is cold, I still haven't finished packing, I'm paranoid that I booked the wrong tickets and it's one month exactly today until my birthday.

I'm turning 20.

No one understands the turmoil my brain will be in.
Someone asked me my age earlier and I said 18 without thinking.
Clearly, I'm going to have some troubles with this new double digit world I'm entering in to.

In any case, I shall endeavour to enjoy myself in my childlike wondrous ways that I also manage to.
Not sure that made enough sense...
Also not sure why that keeps returning after "my" ._.

I may update tomorrow whilst on the coach just to giddily exclaim that I'm on my way.

I'm sane.

That was a lie.

I'm going to go pack now.

Signing off~


Tuesday, 16 October 2012

I'm not dead, honest~

Good after-evening my whimsical ghost readers~

So, after going into hiding for an appalling year and a month, I have returned. If I'm honest, my old laptop gave out on me. Like they all seem to do, it's rather depressing. That's my excuse for neglecting my little piece of internet for so long. I thought about updating, I really did, but my desktop is only good for playing The Sims 3. Though, apparently one - and only one - of the expansions needs a new graphics card. Ugh, really? Everything else worked fine, what's your problem? So now I'm stuck with animals that look a lot less than healthy. I can't even begin to describe the horrors of graphically incorrect Sim Pets whose icons look like they've died screaming bloody murder to a crimson moon.

Either way, I have to spend money to make it better so I may as well buy a ridiculously fanciful new computer and be done with it. I have a student loan and mummy's fixing up a little short films business for herself, so why not splash out on some pretty technology?

'So how comes I'm back?', I hear the rows of empty seats ask in this abandoned theater I call my blog with its lowly tumbleweeds. 'Well', I begin in exclamation knowing even I'm not terribly intrigued by what I have to say, 'I have a new laptop!'

*Applauds self*

That's right, I bought me a brand new, shiny red laptop.
I've yet to name it. I think I shall call it "Garnet Monkey" as all my technology have names in this format. They are the "Monkey" family. And as of right now I'm changing that spelling to "Munky" to fit with my twitter account.
I have an obsession with gemstones and colours, hence the fact they're all called things like "Sapphire" and "Ruby". "They" being my red and blue iPods (long story as to why I have two, let's just say one broke and then didn't) and my chunky clunky mobular telecommunication device.

But wait, if I have a student loan, then that can mean only one thing..!!

That's right my dearest readers. I beat up my friends and bullied them to buy me pointless crap.

Or we could go with the story about me passing my Diploma (I think?) and getting on to the BMus degree with ease.
Yup. You heard (read) it right. Little ole' me gone done and passed something.
It seems if it isn't music, I can't do it well enough. I even surpassed my own expectation of only going to the Higher Diploma.

You just wait, future me who will read this in 3 years time because I just told her (you.. me?) to. You are totally gonna.. Do something awesome.
I won't speculate in case I don't and read this with bitterness.
Sorry, my optimism is crushed 'neath my pessimism when it comes to personal matters. I often let myself down so when I really accomplish something and get noticed for it (by people who aren't my next of kin or something akin (lol) to that) I get very happy. And oftentimes, motivated.

And I promise to update my rambling spot more often.
I manage to entertain myself when I reread my posts.

Signing off, with cold nosed and heavy eyed love,


Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Happy September! (Yes, I know it's a week in already)

So, it's that time of year again. Kids going back to school, some starting new schools; older ones going off to university (later in the month) and others going into work. It's exciting somehow.

My now old secondary school, the mighty Gumley House, has already started into the Autumn term and it's a little strange not to still be there sitting in lessons I'm not enjoying.
I HAVE to visit though - I NEEEEEEEED to know what our music department looks like now. Our old head of music (who also left with us *sad face*) somehow managed to get the dept. £35, 000 worth of stuff from some place that was shutting down, and a new studio.
Thanks, sir, appreciate it now I'm gone -.-

So naturally I'll be inviting myself back to Gumley for a little snoop about.
And also for the novelty of confusing those that know I shouldn't still be there XD

I'm a little anxious for my new course - I've got enrolment coming up in a couple weeks and I suppose that'll be when I meet some of the people that I'll be learning with for the next year.
I'm not so worried about meeting new people, but I'm worried about leaving people behind.
I'm also worried about competition -.- We're all going there to make a career out of singing in some way or another, and I presume a lot of them will be better than me.
Then again, I'm sure I'll have my strong points over some of them - I know some theory, my improv. is... Kinda crap to tell the truth, but I can make up harmonies as I sing so that's a plus, right? And I also have a good ear. Although, I need to practice it a little more because since I learned some sight-reading skills, I've gotten lazy to learn by ear.

On a random side note, I've never thought of reading text aloud as sight-reading... I'm not very good at that either lol 8)

...Yeah, that's about all I had to say, really.

I like the way I could start writing something with some kind of enthusiasm, and the moment I lose the inspiration I had to start with, and look up to see Twitter or Facebook with a little (1) on the tab, I'm gone O_o

So, with that, I bid no one in particular adieu.

Bren ♪♫

P.S. I seriously need the ALT codes for those music notes - having to use the Windows Character Map or C&P it from an older post is just long -.-

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Sweet Jesus, I'm on fire

For some absurd, inhumane and generally ridiculous reason, I never heard much about, nor was into the band Elbow until I went to the Leeds Festival the other week (yes, that's what the ****'s were about... I'm really smart to have put the exact amount so that Ryan could easily guess it, aren't I?)

I feel ashamed to only be recognising their godly musical awesomeness but I'm sure I'll be forgiven as I welcome it with WIDE open arms because never on the first listen has a couple of songs got me to go out and buy two entire albums... Good God these guys are good ¦3

Therefore I dedicate the rest of this post to my favourite song off my now favourite album, and just general OMFG I LOVE THIS SONG... Yeah 8)

Also, I highlighted the lines I love most..


I plant the kind of kiss
That wouldn't wake a baby
On the self same face
The lie wouldn't let me sleep
And the street is singing with my feet
And dawn gives me a shadow I know to be taller
All down to you, dear
Everything has changed

My sorry name
Has made it to graffiti
I was looking for
Someone to complete me
Not anymore, dear.
Everything has changed

You make the moon a mirrorball
The streets an empty stage
The city's sirens, violins
Everything has changed

So lift off love
All down to you, dear
And lift off love
All down to you, dear

And we took the town to town last night
We kissed like we invented it
And now I know what every step is for
To lead me to your door
Know that while you sleep
Everything has changed

You make the moon a mirrorball
The streets an empty stage
The city's sirens, violins
Everything has changed.
Everything has changed.
Everything has changed

So lift off love

Lift off love
All down to you, dear
Lift off love
All down to you, dear
Lift off love
All down to you, dear
Lift off love
All down to you, dear
Lift off love
All down to you, dear
Lift off love
All down to you, dear

If you couldn't tell, the parts I highlighted started from "I plant the kind of kiss" to the last time he sings "All down to you dear"


Bren ♪♫