To be alone can be lonely; but to be lonely you don't necessarily have to be alone.

It's been rather quiet here these last 7 or 8 months, hasn't it?

I'm afraid, dear non-existent reader, that my inspiration for posting in this tiny part of a new month's morning is not because I have any special update. Or rather, any update at all.
I hope you like the melancholic blue I've chosen because it's setting the tone for the rest of what I have to type.

Once again, you find me at a point in time where I'm in one of those funny kinds of moods.
It's a strange sensation.
It feels cloudy in my chest cavity and avoidant in my head. Whether or not that's a real word.
I'm always amused by the people that tell me I'm strong. They tend to mean mentally, or emotionally. But it's merely a talent to neglect what you truly feel. The one flaw with this talent is that it can make you unstable at times.Imagine a glass window (as opposed to a wooden one?). People pass by this window, but have no desire to look in. Certain people pass often, have no desire to look in but instead throw bricks at this window. Naturally, the window will smash into thousands of tiny pieces. A few more people pass. They help pick up the pieces and the window is restored. It's not perfect but they're more than willing to accept it. They can see the sensitive parts of the window, they know not to touch them.
But they can't see them all. They may trace their finger over an area they've traced many time before. But this time it cracks, it may even make them bleed. Something that was certain has now become unstable.

This is me now.

It's an obscure analogy, I know. But it serves its illustrative purpose.
I have the ability to always be fine. Most never know when I'm not fine. It's not my desire for them to know.
But sometimes it's too much.
When I'm unbalanced, it can take the tiniest thing and I'll find myself lying on my back staring hopelessly up at the clouds.
When I'm in these fragile states, no one knows until after the damage. It's not lasting damage. It's not even important. But it has immense impact at the time it occurs.

Are you still with me? I imagine at this point, you may be lost for understanding. Good, so am I. I'll continue.

It's at these times that those closest to me I desire to be around the least. I don't wish to talk to nor see them. Neither think of them, and certainly never humour them if I happen to engage in conversation.
Those are usually the people who tip the unbalance against my favour.
And it's because it's over something trivial that I've tipped. You allow yourself to be most vulnerable around those who accept the things about you that the majority wouldn't. So when their comments match those of the majority you take a hit. Suddenly they no longer appear to have that same understanding as they always promised they did. It's a melodramatic train of thoughts but it's a paranoid mind that creates them. And if you believe me to be making a mountain out of a mole hill, I'd be grateful you kept that sarcastic, tactless comment to yourself. Because it would clearly not be appreciated.
It's a lonely feeling. So very distant and lonely.
Thus, at such times, I retreat into my own company.

I'd sooner be alone by myself than alone amongst friends.

I hold no grudges in these circumstances. But likely create many arguments. Or general disagreements.
It's the only thing about me that no one in the world understands.

If, absent reader, this post has made you feel sad in any way, be safe in the knowledge that it's made me feel better having typed it. Especially as I expect no one of consequence to read it. At least not for many months yet.
I'll endeavour to write something uplifting next time I bother to log in.

I bid you a good day.

Brendon ♪♫

Happy Birthday to Me!

The irony of the exclamation mark in the title when I'm presently feeling less than exclamatory..

Today is my birthday (at least for the next 16 minutes) and I'm going to cheat by publishing it now so that it's posted ON my birthday while I continue to ramble. Just in case I don't manage to type everything I want to say in this small amount of time.
It doesn't matter, no one reads this anyway.

So, I've turned 20 today. How exciting. I've reached to a second decade of my life. It's an odd thought really, being 20, supposedly having to endure more responsibilities as an actual adult now. Not to mention being stripped of my "-teen" suffix that has defined me for 7 years.

To be quite honest, I'm not feeling much other than somewhat morose. I've done nothing all day by ways of real celebration, simply because all of my friends are too far away to really celebrate with me. So I've been on my own pretty much all day. I suppose this should've bothered me earlier, but I've been on Skype with Kerri all afternoon and evening so I guess she kept my mind off of it. I tried to keep my childish happiness going by lighting 20 candles on a tiny cake and dancing about like a fool... But as I am at this moment, all I really feel is exactly that - a fool.

I'm going to be soppy for a moment and whinge that this new age also marks the amount of time in my life spent without a significant other, or even so much as mutual romantic attraction to another. It's not like I don't feel attraction to anyone... It seems to me more like I aim too high. However, this isn't something I pine over on a daily basis, neither am I entirely desperate, but when the apple of your eye takes a liking to someone else, it's rather difficult to come to terms with. And I look and that and think, "we'll I'm just an idiot", but I'm really quite fed up of the unrequited love shindig.. And how fitting that I'm writing in this weird washed out candy red. Or pink. I don't even care right now.

So I'm a little upset over the fact that a certain few people haven't (or I suppose, 'didn't' by this point) wish me a happy birthday. I'm a little upset over spending my day by myself. And I'm a little bit more upset that the person I would've liked to be talking to all day happened to be busy elsewhere. Fair enough, I'm not Queen of Sheba, but I've spiraled into a bad mood, and my bad moods are all-encompassing therefore I'm upset over stupid small things and have decided, whether you do or not, don't actually care.

So, happy birthday to my depressing little soul and may I learn to not be so damn emotional over the trivial things that piss me off.

Signing off, for the only time as,

Roisin ♪♫

Extra bit: I often like to use this space to vent what I'm thinking. How I'm feeling. Just a way for me to void the complex emotions I'm mixed up in. Most of what I say might be vague, despite knowing not a lot of people read this blog, I still don't want to bare the entirety of my soul. There are those who are close and may understand too much.
Oddly enough, this rant hasn't completely helped...

I have a special book for that.