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Monday, 1 July 2013

To be alone can be lonely; but to be lonely you don't necessarily have to be alone.

It's been rather quiet here these last 7 or 8 months, hasn't it?

I'm afraid, dear non-existent reader, that my inspiration for posting in this tiny part of a new month's morning is not because I have any special update. Or rather, any update at all.
I hope you like the melancholic blue I've chosen because it's setting the tone for the rest of what I have to type.

Once again, you find me at a point in time where I'm in one of those funny kinds of moods.
It's a strange sensation.
It feels cloudy in my chest cavity and avoidant in my head. Whether or not that's a real word.
I'm always amused by the people that tell me I'm strong. They tend to mean mentally, or emotionally. But it's merely a talent to neglect what you truly feel. The one flaw with this talent is that it can make you unstable at times.
Imagine a glass window (as opposed to a wooden one?). People pass by this window, but have no desire to look in. Certain people pass often, have no desire to look in but instead throw bricks at this window. Naturally, the window will smash into thousands of tiny pieces. A few more people pass. They help pick up the pieces and the window is restored. It's not perfect but they're more than willing to accept it. They can see the sensitive parts of the window, they know not to touch them.
But they can't see them all. They may trace their finger over an area they've traced many time before. But this time it cracks, it may even make them bleed. Something that was certain has now become unstable.

This is me now.

It's an obscure analogy, I know. But it serves its illustrative purpose.
I have the ability to always be fine. Most never know when I'm not fine. It's not my desire for them to know.
But sometimes it's too much.
When I'm unbalanced, it can take the tiniest thing and I'll find myself lying on my back staring hopelessly up at the clouds.
When I'm in these fragile states, no one knows until after the damage. It's not lasting damage. It's not even important. But it has immense impact at the time it occurs.

Are you still with me? I imagine at this point, you may be lost for understanding. Good, so am I. I'll continue.

It's at these times that those closest to me I desire to be around the least. I don't wish to talk to nor see them. Neither think of them, and certainly never humour them if I happen to engage in conversation.
Those are usually the people who tip the unbalance against my favour.
And it's because it's over something trivial that I've tipped. You allow yourself to be most vulnerable around those who accept the things about you that the majority wouldn't. So when their comments match those of the majority you take a hit. Suddenly they no longer appear to have that same understanding as they always promised they did. It's a melodramatic train of thoughts but it's a paranoid mind that creates them. 
And if you believe me to be making a mountain out of a mole hill, I'd be grateful you kept that sarcastic, tactless comment to yourself. Because it would clearly not be appreciated.
It's a lonely feeling. So very distant and lonely.
Thus, at such times, I retreat into my own company.

I'd sooner be alone by myself than alone amongst friends.

I hold no grudges in these circumstances. But likely create many arguments. Or general disagreements.
It's the only thing about me that no one in the world understands.

If, absent reader, this post has made you feel sad in any way, be safe in the knowledge that it's made me feel better having typed it. Especially as I expect no one of consequence to read it. At least not for many months yet.
I'll endeavour to write something uplifting next time I bother to log in.

I bid you a good day.


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